History
by aangelhart
Summary: Aeryn contemplates before they go to battle. Ep filler for I Yensch, You Yensch


History  
  
By  
  
Angel  
  
Disclaimers: I have never owned anything in my life, and I don't intend to start now.  
  
Just a little in between ep from IYYU – How I would like to see things happen before they go to battle.  
  
XXX  
  
//Here's hoping history repeats itself//  
  
Now why do I remember that? Of all things he has said to me, taught me, why do I remember that? Do I want history to repeat itself? Do I want John Crichton to fall in love with me all over again?  
  
What am I saying? He is already in love with me; I know that – don't I? It is me, always me. I am the centre of all of his pain. I can take it away with a mere gesture, a sign. How can I though? Knowing what might happen if I do? Life was never this complicated in Peacekeeper regimes. How I envy his blatant show of emotions! I came aboard this ship with nothing, yet I will leave with a lifetime of knowledge.  
  
If I leave alone will be up to me.  
  
Knowledge! That's the bug all and end all of this predicament I'm in now. If he didn't posses the knowledge, none of us would be in danger. We wouldn't be the hunted criminals we are now. But then, I wouldn't have met him. Can I truly regret that? Never meeting him? No. If I were honest (now there's a thought) I wouldn't be contemplating that frelling saying!  
  
I want history to repeat itself. Just not in the way he does. I want the love, the feelings, and the dammed emotions. I just don't want the last part – the dying. Can history truly repeat itself but omit the last part? I don't think so. So I keep him at a distance, knowing all the while how I hurt him so. Does that make me feel any better?  
  
It should.  
  
But it doesn't.  
  
So here I find myself, standing on the terrace, looking out at the vast stars that he chose to name. I see myself – the bright star, the constant, the anchor. It makes me feel no better. Stars can disintegrate, like love, like hate, like vengeance.  
  
Bitter? Yes, I am bitter. I had a glimpse of the future – the future that we shared. Why did it have to be so frelling perfect? I have sought out the flaws and found only one – death.  
  
Will history repeat that?  
  
Do I dare try to change it?  
  
He is sitting in the corner, unaware of my presence. Alcohol can do that I suppose. What did he say? Oh yes, alcohol creates a selective memory. You can choose to remember or choose to forget. Oh how I wish that were an option for me now. I could forget the pain and remember the joy.  
  
//Here's to history repeating itself//  
  
Maybe I should go, or maybe he should. He gave me that option. And what did I do? I turned it around and made it his choice. We both knew why. I could blame him for the outcome. The easy route he called it. How would he know? But he did. Of course he did. The question was unanswered as he stormed away. It's easier to cope when someone is angry with you. Makes it easier to walk away. Yet here I am. Standing in front of him, hoping, wishing, that history would once again repeat itself.  
  
I watch silently. I have become good at watching. Is he aware that I do so? I have reverted back to the Peacekeeper mode – observing everything since I returned. His relationships with the others have become stronger. D'Argo protects him as a brother would. Jool watches over him and learns more from his beautiful scientific mind. And Chiana? She has matured, and with it her love for him. I have acknowledged the emotions they share.  
  
Jealous? I can't tell.  
  
Uncomfortable? Definitely.  
  
I feel like a stranger to them all. I left with love for them both. I returned with pain – for them both.  
  
How did I get this close to him? My training has deserted me – just like everything else. My beliefs, my hopes, my dreams are all deserting me.  
  
What should I do now?  
  
Leave him be?  
  
Go to him?  
  
He is mumbling. Something they both have in common. Dreams are something the heart wishes for. Wasn't that what he said once? Then what are nightmares? An alternate reality? What do my nightmares tell me? Lose, lose, lose. That's what they scream.  
  
Yet here I am, ignoring everything that has been learned. I kneel brushing my hand through his hair. He mumbles again. One name stands out through the jumble of words.  
  
Aeryn.  
  
How can he still dream of me after what I have done? Is it a wish, or a nightmare?  
  
Does he sense me in sleep? I know I sense him. I find myself shaking him slightly. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't want him to dream of me. Would I have felt better if he had murmured another name?  
  
No.  
  
//Here's to history repeating itself//  
  
I can repeat his history. One gesture, one comment, one movement. That's all it would take. I ache for his touch, his comforting words. It will be ok – isn't that his favourite saying? I want him to say it now; either in slumber or alert. I want him to say it. I NEED for him to say it.  
  
The bottles of felip nectar lie empty beside him. It would be so easy to waken him, and take him in my arms. Blame it on alcohol – no regrets, no memories.  
  
How can I not take the easy option, just this once?  
  
Touch him, seduce him, and make him mine. When all said and done, I could revert to his saying of alcohol. But I respect him too much. A human, a tech a primitive being. He sits here in ignorance of my turmoil. He stands for everything I despised as a Peacekeeper. Yet he did it somehow.  
  
//You have worked you're way in to my heart//  
  
//You showed my that I had one//  
  
Yes, you showed me that I had a heart, and you showed me how fragile it was. Scars, they are easily healed - but a heart? How can that be healed? How can that be put back together?  
  
I find myself cupping his face in my hands.  
  
What am I doing?  
  
Opening wounds that may never be allowed to heal. I draw him nearer, my mind all the while warring with my heart.  
  
He deserves more. He deserves true love. Can I give him that? And yet I know the answer. It is only I, Aeryn Sun, Peacekeeper, destroyer of his heart that can give him what he wants. When did I become so much more? When did I start living up to his expectations?  
  
On Talyn?  
  
Or was it before that?  
  
When I finally declared my feelings to him?  
  
//Here's to history repeating itself//  
  
Why can't history bend a little? Why cant history change? Why cant history be kinder to him?  
  
Turning back time; yet another inept saying. Totally against his laws of physics, I want to do it.  
  
What would I change?  
  
Nothing.  
  
If I tried to, then there would only be one. Not even one. There would be no John Crichton. Would that make me feel better? Probably not; I would be mourning a greater loss.  
  
Yet I wouldn't be in this situation would I? Wondering what I can do to ease his pain.  
  
//I missed that dance//  
  
Oh how wrong you are. You WERE that dance. You were him; he was you. Perfect. How easy it would be to take the lesser option, that less than perfect option. I chose to create it, so therefore do I then choose to destroy it? If only life could be that simple.  
  
Simple; a word that usually comes with trouble – how accurate.  
  
You are trouble John Crichton. You are trouble and compassion. Who would have ever thought that two words could be so entwined?  
  
//Why can't anything be simple?//  
  
Why indeed.  
  
I find my hands caressing his hair. A fascination he has. I look deep into those closed eyes. Eyes that can reflect so much emotion, venom and empathy. How I envy that. I find myself wishing they would open. Allow me to determine what he is thinking. So easily read by me, so easily misinterpreted my others.  
  
He murmurs again. What is he dreaming of now? Earth? Scorpius? Me? As if reading my thoughts, I here my name again. Me. He is dreaming of me.  
  
//I can't lose you again//  
  
Have I already lost?  
  
No. He will take whatever I offer. He worries for me, he worries for our friends, he worries for his planet. When does he have time to worry for himself? I finally come to realise why we are so loyal to him.  
  
We?  
  
No. Them. They put up a protective barrier the microt I landed. The microt they realised what had transpired between the other and myself. So much has changed since I left.  
  
What did I expected?  
  
Nothing.  
  
I chose to forget that he ever existed. To wrapped myself up in happiness. To wrapped myself up in love. Never once mentioning the other. Never once trying to reason with myself.  
  
//Ignorance is bliss//  
  
How true those words are.  
  
I never realised until now. Ignorance is bliss until reality hits. Oh how it has hit - and hard. Did I ever wonder what he was going through? No. Not until now, not until I see his pained face.  
  
A nightmare.  
  
Not a dream.  
  
Not a wish his heart is making. His heart is broken. Shattered.  
  
Beyond repair?  
  
No.  
  
I can repair it. I can sooth the hurt. The question is: Do I dare?  
  
//She takes time//  
  
Time? How much time did he expect? How could he possibly know what this would do to me? Seeing him alive, yet dead.  
  
My lover.  
  
He has two faces.  
  
One I shared and one I loathe.  
  
Loathe?  
  
Do I?  
  
No.  
  
How could I? They were one; unique in every way, except for the memories.  
  
Memories.  
  
I have memories of love and death. Can one overcome the other?  
  
I want that dance.  
  
I want it over and over again. Am I willing to dance alone? When he dies?  
  
//Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all//  
  
I have loved.  
  
I have lost.  
  
And yet, I still love.  
  
I love this man in front of me. I love John Crichton. The other knew this. That's what he meant. He knew I would take time. He knew I would come to realise that this man is one.  
  
Did he think I would realise it this soon?  
  
Am I betraying one for the other?  
  
HAVE I betrayed one for the other?  
  
No. How can I betray the same person? How can I have loved HIM and betrayed?  
  
Quite easily.  
  
Realisation is a cold fact. So cold it sends a shiver through my body. Of course I have betrayed them. And in turn, I have betrayed myself.  
  
Love.  
  
Is it such a waste? Am I a waste? Could he forgive me?  
  
Questions. Questions I would never have asked if he hadn't entered my world.  
  
//Happy little Peacekeeper//  
  
Happy?  
  
No.  
  
Ignorant?  
  
Yes.  
  
So here I sit cradling his head in my hands; a shadow of my former self. Is that a good thing?  
  
Yes.  
  
I also dream. And I know it is my hearts wish; I dream of being together with him. Fighting with him. Making love with him. And here is my wish. Laid bare in front of me. Do I turn it into a nightmare? One where he no longer exists? One where I ache for his touch, his scent, his closeness?  
  
//Second chances//  
  
Is that what this is? Second chances to put right the wrongs that have happened? To protect, honour and love? Can I do that? Again?  
  
//There are always choices//  
  
Choices. Really? Can I honestly turn this into a choice?  
  
No.  
  
I love John Crichton. I love the man he was, the man he has become. The head makes the choice yet the heart counteracts. The heart is indeed the soul of the being. Without it, no one could really live. Exist, yes, but live? No.  
  
//Hope//  
  
An alien word that he brought to our world. And what do I hope for? I hope that he can forgive me. I hope that he can allow me into his heart again. I hope that we have a future. Not one of death, but one of fortitude. I hope that we can get back to perfect.  
  
//Time//  
  
I don't need time. Time can pass; time can change. I want now. I want John.  
  
No. That sounds callous, cold hearted. I want the here and now. I have the choice; I have the chance.  
  
Dare I take it?  
  
"John"  
  
It seems my heart has made the decision for me.  
  
"hmmmm"  
  
"John. Wake up" I shake him slightly. Afraid of the reaction when he realises it is me.  
  
"Aeryn?" The hope in his voice is enough for me to carry on.  
  
"Yes. John you have to wake up now."  
  
I don't want to be the cause of his nightmare – for that is what it is. A nightmare where I am the soul destroyer.  
  
"Sorry"  
  
Why does he do that? Feel the need to apologise even when the fault lies elsewhere.  
  
I feel myself smiling in spite of it though.  
  
"Sorry? No. You're not sorry John. You have nothing to be sorry for."  
  
"I don't?" Comes the groggy reply.  
  
"No. We need to get you to bed."  
  
"We do?"  
  
//Dead weight//  
  
Finally I understand THAT saying.  
  
My hands move to support his waist.  
  
//Haven't you ever just clicked with a guy?//  
  
Oh yes. I 'clicked' with you from the beginning. Why did I wait so long? We were perfect. We will be perfect again.  
  
How could I have ever thought differently?  
  
He mummers again; this time I catch the incoherent words. They make sense to the listening.  
  
"Love you"  
  
His eyes are upon mine. Suddenly free of fear, pain, and betrayal.  
  
I smile. Something I haven't done in a while.  
  
"I love you too" And I find myself believing it.  
  
He blinks. Eyes wide.  
  
"No John, you're not dreaming." I answer the question his mind is asking.  
  
His weight shifts suddenly and we are both on the floor. He looks down at me. How can someone so intoxicated with alcohol suddenly become so sober?  
  
"Well, if I am don't wake me anytime soon." It is soft, teasing.  
  
"I don't plan to" I reply quietly.  
  
He closes the final small distance between us. His lips feel so soft, so familiar yet so new.  
  
//Second chances//  
  
Yes. I will take this second chance. I will embrace it. I will honour, love and respect it. Till death do us part?  
  
Yes.  
  
Again.  
  
~~~fin~~~  
  
  
  
~~~fin~~~ 


End file.
